So, it was revealed to me tonight that I’m just a talker. My biggest pet peeve. The thing I dislike most. And it’s what I do. I talk and talk and talk and talk. Big plans, huge things going on. Making this, creating that. Lots of writing, lots of words. Lots of meetings, lots of discussion. Lots of costume purchases, lots of ideas. Lots of website designs, lots of catchphrases. Lots of dreaming, lots of visualizing. And when it all comes down to it, I’ve made 1 robot video. That’s it.
Granted, this is far more than many people ever make, but you know what. Big whoop. I thought I was a visionary, a luminary. Doing big things, walking the walk. And yet, here I am, writing again. More talking, more words. Wow, this one just hit me so hard because the truth was written all over the place.
In most ways, whatever Elastic Illusion was supposed to be has for the time being completely fallen apart. Over a year of dreams and it’s quite possible that nothing will ever come of it. So much talking, so much planning. And in one sense, it amounted to nothing. Yes, I learned a lot. Yes, it was a good experience. Yes, I grew. But at the end of the day, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot to show in terms of action.
So, I renounce it. Time for doing. Time for some real action. And when I think about it, I realize how scary it is to actually do things. I made a whole hour-long one man show and performed it all of twice. Spent six months making it, slaving day in and day out, and less than 100 people have ever seen it. I mean, good for me, I did it. Big woop. More talking. I learned After Effects and Photoshop and Illustrator and Ableton Live in the past six months. What have I got to show for it. A DVD case and some random designs. Wow. I am what I despise. Just another talker, talking about all the things he is going to do. How special he is. All his great ideas.
And so I admit it now. I am terrified that my ideas actually suck. That I won’t be able to bring them to fruition. That they will be derivative and formulaic and just kind of average. I am so afraid of being mediocre that I have done nothing at all.
Well, here goes nothing. Time to fall flat on my face, over and over and over. Let the games begin.
Tags: talking, action, taking action, doing, working hard, delusions
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