So I have really been going through it the past few days. Feeling worthless, unloved, pathetic, a speck of dust in some stupid cosmic game.
It’s funny too, because I just wrote an e-mail to all my friends and acquaintances about the power of belief systems and love and a whole bunch of other stuff that has seemed far, far away as of late.
It has been a real humility giver this one. I really thought I had it figured out. I told my dad that I thought I had maybe a couple things to clear up and then I was done. Enlightenment here I come. I got so cocky I started thinking I could handle even a seemingly scary thing like homelessness with no problems, no issues, piece of cake.
Oooooh boy.
Anyway, I’m not going to go into it, but homelessness kicked my ass. It was NOT easy for me to fall asleep not knowing who or what could appear while I slept helplessly. At the same time, shouldn’t I have just been able to use the power of mind to send out vibrations of love and fall asleep easily, knowing that all is well.
That’s what I thought would happen anyway. Turns out that no, that did not happen. Instead, my mind would not let me fall asleep, every noise sent out a new flood of fear-based adrenaline, as I laid there, awake, until I just passed out due to sheer exhaustion, waking up only a few hours later, unable to fall back asleep and thrust into the stupor that I would spend the remainder of the day in.
So this for whatever reason thrust me into a whole spade of life issues that I didn’t even remember I had. Fears and inadequacies and a whole host of reasons that I was worthy of self-hatred. I eventually had to call a friend and was extremely graciously (thank you thank you thank you 1000 times over) given a place to stay and good food. When I saw my friend, I immediately burst into tears in a way that I don’t remember doing since childhood. We’re talking minutes of all-out sobbing.
Anyway, this wasn’t even the worst of it. This was followed by days of numbness and despair, wondering (in the most negative way) what the point of life is and if I was ever gonna make it through this one.
But boy have I been given some lessons. I learned that I do not have A DAMN THING figured out. I may have discovered a trick or two, cast a few spells, but I am right in the thick of it just like everyone else. So no matter how much I teach other people or encourage them to live the life of God, I am mostly just talking to and encouraging myself. And that’s fine, as long as I remember!
I learned how much deep self-hatred I have had. How much I have not really loved myself. The time has come. I have always thought that maybe I had an attraction to men. I didn’t realize how much shame I felt about this and how conflicted I was. I have always thought I could be a little more physically flexible– but I didn’t realize how much I sent thoughts of worthlessness and hatred to my body.
So after almost collapsing today, I retreated into a room, laid down, started breathing, and went through my body, sending hearts and roses and I love yous to every part. My hips and butt, my neck and shoulders, my elbows and ankles and toes. I sent love to my thoughts and my desires, to my actions and dreams, to my shortcomings and hangups.
But what am I really getting at here. What do I want to say. Why do I feel these feelings. This is what I want to say.
I want to say that this is why we are here. We are here to move forward and to learn and to grow. And that the reason to live for joy and to follow your excitement and your heart is not the pat answer that I thought it was.
You follow your joy because that is what is specifically designed to knock you head-f’in-first into your next wall, your next barrier, your next limitation. And the only way I can see out of looking at life as one endless journey toward limitation after limitation seems to be HUMILITY.
Because when it comes down to it, what really gets me each time is thinking that PHEW! that last time was tough, but I DID IT! I crossed the threshold, jumped over the final hurdle, and now I’m home free. But that’s just another illusion. After every completion is a new beginning. That’s the nature of life, just like it’s the nature of fractals.
And even if you DO cross every hurdle, then you have a whole new set of astral hurdles to cross over oh wide-eyed human voyager! So I’m learning, little by little, to accept this. To see that this is the way it goes and that this is the way it is.
That no matter how much I think I understand, that no matter how high I’m riding, there’s another hurdle waiting to cut me down if I don’t have the humility to remember that Brit, the personality structure physically typing these keystrokes, is nothing more than a dream of the Cosmic Dreamer.
Buddha told his disciples to love each member of humanity equally, as you would your lover or your family. He suggested this because he knew that due to the immense number of life cycles each soul has gone through, every single person on Earth has been near and dear to you at one moment or another. Wow.
Here’s to loving yourself and staying humble. Amen.
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